The Zen Of Knitting and Reclaiming My Identity --By Bryan F.

Back in 2015, I found a group about men that knit, on Facebook. It sparked my interest and I purchased some supplies and watched some YouTube videos. My Mom was still alive then and I was soon distracted by my caretaker duties and lost focus.

I had often thought I’d like to learn how to knit and after some research, I learned that activates like knitting have been shown to lower blood pressure. Sounds good to me and easier than meditation, which I have always struggled with. I usually need to feel productive or I get anxious. 

In an earlier article, I talked about side hustles to make money. I mentioned lawn care and considering it carefully; I fully reject the idea. Am I crazy, putting my 65-year-old body out in that desert heat in the summer. I’m not that desperate. But knitting, something I’ve always wanted to do is also something that could generate a bit of pen money. That is if I can hone my skills to produce something marketable.

My renewed interest occurred while shopping at a Ross Dress For Less store. I found some really nice knit beanies for a song and bought some. I get cold in the winter and these do the trick. East Coasters know of what I speak. I had never had one before, well you know because, California. I didn’t even have a jacket most of the time I lived down the hill in the valley, while growing up. But up here at this altitude in the high desert it gets cold. Even into the teens occasionally. So, I’m looking at them and thinking why couldn’t I do that and put them on Etsy and make a buck or two. 

Of course, there are those folks that think any needlework is in the feminine domain. Ask me if I give a flying duck, I don’t. But it reminds me of the gender rules that were so rigid when I was growing up. My parents were real sticklers on this subject. Even after I was an adult my Mom would comment on the masculine or feminine aura of my home furnishings. 

I think because I was suspected of being different that I was more harshly judged than my brothers. I can remember when I was about 10 or 11 years old that my Dad freaked out because I was using a homemade thimble loom. My paternal Grandmother had taught me how to make and use it. I was making my Mom a potholder. I had made her a frosted candle in school that year and enjoyed the praise that she gave me for the gift. But I was already on my Dad's radar and he was not happy that I was doing something that wasn’t butch. 

He decided that the way to prevent my further indoctrination into the feminine was to pay a neighbor boy a quarter to teach me how to throw a football back and forth. He gave me the football and told me that I belonged outside throwing it. He was never really interested in doing these things with us boys but he sure didn’t want a funny son. 

This is the exact one I had in 1966

One of my favorite hobbies back then was gluing together miniature models of Frankenstein, Dracula, and other monsters of the day. My Dad only noticed the loom. He probably thought the monsters were just one more weird thing about me. He was right about that, I was weird. 

So, undertaking this new knitting project is probably also about reclaiming my identity, again. It’s not that I didn’t like throwing footballs, I loved it and was really good at it, but I also liked other things as well. When I was younger I knew I had to sneak around to play with my sister and her new Barbie. When we lived in Bloomington, when I was seven and eight I would be stretched out on the cool tile floor helping my sister choose outfits for Barbie. My parents, unaware of my perversion, played cards with the neighbors in the kitchen. I must have been scolded for it at some point though since I was sneaking around. 

I have always been very sensitive about this as a gay male. During the time I grew up and even as a young adult, one could be commented to a mental hospital for not conforming. The threat of job loss and social ostracization were real. They still are today, just not as severe in most communities. Increased advances in acceptance of the Others is heartening, but the threat still exists, even of violent attack. Ask any trans woman of color. 

So, I’m still careful out in public but at home, I have knitting tools and yarn. Hell, I even have a Tom of Finland doll, a few of them and a Jeff Stryker doll. All autonomically correct. I would also love to build a victorian dollhouse or one of those ships in a bottle. I’m infatuated with miniatures and scale models. I like drawing flowers and birds and applying watercolors to them. I also like lawn care and tree trimming and gardening. Washing and detailing my car and doing maintenance around the house. I do hate football and other violent sports, but that’s another article, lol. Tennis anyone?

I am happy that some kids have it easier today and that gender is in the social discourse. That being different isn’t frowned upon as much in some communities, but I think it’s probably still bad in many. 

I’m a well-rounded person. Moon and Sun, balanced in a way that most of those unaware of their indoctrination are not. I’m not broken or mentally ill, but I did and do have to put myself back together again, from time to time. A work in progress admittedly.

https://youtu.be/D8WSEc91zeQ
https://youtu.be/1Ssv3rZMzo4

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