A is for Advice that Always Helps - by Nan Brooks

 

Ebony in the Esperanza (Esperanza means hope.)

My mom knew what to do when things were hard. I had a complicated relationship with my mother, as we all do. And as my children do with me, no doubt. And I still hear my mother’s voice in my head, as often happens long after mothers have moved on to the Other World. As much as I resisted her advice when she was here on the earthly plane and I was younger, I listen more eagerly now. Desperate times desperate measures, perhaps. Or perhaps because she was right. Go figure.

My mother, whose name was Grace learned how to cope the hard way and she learned from her mother and sister.  Here is what they passed along to me. I hope it helps you today, one way or another.

1.     It will all be different in the morning. Maybe what you need is rest. Take a break and the answer will come to you. Or, as I sometimes say, “I need to be put down for a nap.”  Like little kids, we need to rest when it’s all just too much.

2.      First do what is on your nerves the most. No point in letting something “hang over your head”. Do what you dread most and it will be done and you can move on. Besides, procrastinating only makes me feel worse anyway.

3.      Start in one corner and go around the room. Just start anywhere; starting is the thing. Your energy will get stronger as you go along, from sheer relief if nothing else.

4.      This is akin to the advice to take baby steps. When starting something big or difficult, my first thought is that I cannot do it. But I can do one little thing. The laundry mountain looks like Everest. But I can start one load. Doesn’t matter if the first load is the clothing I’m not likely to need soon, it’s a start.

5.      You can always trust a woman’s intuition. Of course, this is true for men as well, but men are so discouraged from emotion and intuition these days. That’s rant for another time. Moving on: Trust yourself, your hunches, the quiet voice in your head, your ideas. If someone or something feels odd, then it is. Be watchful. If you are male and uncomfortable with your intuition, maybe think of it as hunch. Or consult the women in your life.

6.      Never underestimate the power of a woman. Remember your own power. If you don’t feel it now, remember a time when you did. My mom did not mean the power to overwhelm and force anything on someone else. Anything meaning a belief or a choice or an action. Not the power to silence another person or bend them to one’s will. She meant the power to comprehend the reality she faced, the power to gently influence, the power to teach, the power to think and understand. Knowledge is power.

7.       Anything will taste better with more salt, butter, or mayonnaise. You can fix most mistakes – in the kitchen or elsewhere. My maternal grandmother, Bertha, ran a boarding house and she knew things.

8.      Look for the best in other people and you will find it. We’re all struggling with something, be compassionate and give folks the benefit of the doubt. AND don’t put up with dishonesty, cruelty, general meanness, or greed. This advice came from my beloved Aunt Alice, and she may have looked like a delicate violet or a pushover, but she knew that trying to understand what someone else was suffering made her life – and theirs – easier.

9.      It’s never too late… To apologize, to tell the truth, to start over, to follow a dream. Thank you to the wisdom of my 12 Step friends for this one.

10  Take time to smell the flowers, to notice beauty, to appreciate. These days I meet, thanks to Zoom, with old friends who are far away. We report weekly on moments of magic, on moments of beauty and unexpected boons. This calls me to be watchful for the good stuff.

I hope this advice always helps you, too.  Rock on!