Have you ever found yourself not wanting to speak? (18 months, now) Not wanting to say one word? (of course, I do speak. I have to. I'm not independently wealthy, nor unencumbered. Duties, and such. I'm socialized. I try not to freak people out, and who can get away with a good Bartleby in this day and age? But if I could, it'd be a silent fucking retreat. ) To only sit and observe and think? (I need to retire for this, damn. Guess I should have at least TRIED to figure out money, but then again, that's not me, I do what I want, and I'm $tupid...) When you did that did you see your monstrousness? (I am not nice. I don't really sacrifice for others. It just looks like it, I make sure it looks like it. Play games with kids? My biggest regret. "Mom will you play X with me?", won't tear myself away from the book about the good mother and her happy children... nah, you do it. I mean, I'll tell em' a story...I do what I want, Cartman and I aren't so different)Your insecure competitiveness over what? Brains, skin, teeth, length of femur and shin? ( Just about done with this one, I think. Age has its benefit, but that damned estrogen, you know? Get it coursing through your veins and you, too... well. Me, too, I should say. But you're probably not manglik, like me.) Did you see how your reactions often arise out of fear? (Fear of being found out? Fear of being seen as a fraud? As the monster you truly are? That I am, I should say. Sorry, you're probably much nicer than I am.) And that fear, if you choose to examine it, requires you to examine your gloating, self-absorbed, loveless mind in all its hollow meaninglessness? Your whole life of bullshit decisions based on drives and conceits and the preposterous results... Hahahaaaaaaaaa.
Well good. I'm not alone.
I hope this means we're making progress...
Because... Know Thyself.
But, honestly, I know you aren't as selfish as I am.
Open the windows wide.
I need that air while I can still breathe.
As they say, while there is breath there is hope.
Breathwork for this difficult job
Heh. I'm generally self-isolating and insecure. I want to (sincerely) be asked to join in, while still most often want to be able to beg off from the invitation. In the past 20 years, though, and especially the past 10, my world's been shrinking. It's sometimes alarming.
ReplyDeleteLearning moments from the post:
1. I've never been interested in astrology, so "manglik" was an unknown term to me. The wonders of the internet took me to a spot to calculate it from date, time and location of birth, and it told me I am Manglik, further specifying a "mild Manglik Dosha," because Mars is in the 4th house, but further indicating it has been cancelled due to "Benefic Venus" occupying "the Ascendant." I don't know. This was on some Hindu matchmaking site, which was one of the early search hits.
2a. Via the musical ending, I wasn't familiar with Pie Jesu (Pious Jesus) and the Requium Mass. Despite being immersed (strong arm applied between the shoulders, forcing me face down into the trough) in Roman Catholic traditions via a full 12 years of parochial school, I'm of the first post-Vatican Council II generation, where Latin had been swept out of all but the oldest of parishes. (Digression: When asked why I'm an atheist, "12 years of Catholic school" is one of the big areas on my internal, conversational response, wheel of fortune.) Anyway, this ended up leading me to Gabriel Fauré's Requium, which I'm now listening to a performance of via YouTube. (Though the jarring, incongruous ads breaking in at odd moments shatter the experience.)
2b: Jocelyn Pook, a composer who has passed by me in the darkness simply because all of her work has been attached to projects I've not seen nor heard. Her big mainstream crossover point seems to have been catching Stanley Kubrick's ear such that he had her create work for Eyes Wide Shut, which I've not gotten around to watching more than a few minutes of. I see she's worked with Peter Gabriel and with Laurie Anderson, too, which also might have given me an introduction, but didn't.
I never saw this comment until today! Yes, manglik is most often described as an issue for marriages, but on it's own it denotes a person who's main focus in life is self discovery, more than unions and partnerships. I am in the same boat, it's nice to be invited but I need the room to cancel if I'm just not up to company when the moment arrives. Probably one aspect of beink manglik is this kind of stuff! Ha!
ReplyDeleteI first heard the Pook on a classical music compilation that included Faure's Requiem, which may have followed it as the next track, now that I think of it. Most Relaxing Classical Music of all Time I think it was...