Voice From the Gallery - Esther

Ugh, people.

I don’t know about you but I never liked the fact that I had to share public spaces with…well, the public. This is especially true of art galleries. OF COURSE I’m not including my gallery-viewing companion/s, but the generic mass that never ceases to find new & irritating ways to get on my nerves. 

You’d be forgiven for thinking this is just my inner (?) curmudgeon talking & you’d be right; particularly when in a terrifically bad mood their mere presence is enough. At these times I don’t even want to see bodies shuffling around me from the corner of my eye. None of this is to say I don’t want gallery attendances to be maintained or even to rise. Galleries, whether they are free or not, are a gift, perhaps humanity’s best idea for dispensing with vast sums of money. I’m simply not keen on other people hanging around them when I’m there.

As you can see, I’m very intolerant in my spare time, but it isn’t just that. I want to make a point.

In large part, it’s because most people don’t seem to have the same exacting standards of behaviour & manners that I do. Don’t pretend you don’t feel this way in one situation or other. There will be some part of human behaviour out in the peopled world where you believe sapiens fall far short. Perhaps they’re laughing too loudly in restaurants, perhaps pushing past you on a busy street, perhaps jumping a queue. I’m here to tell you: your feelings are okay. They are allowed. They’re probably helpful. They probably mean you’re less likely to annoy other people because you have standards.

You still might be thinking I sound undemocratic & pedantic & to be honest, I’m fine with that, however I want people to go to galleries. I want to combat ignorance & stupidity. I even want people to be inspired. I’ve been fortunate to be in a selection of the genuinely great art galleries of Europe & the US: Paris, London, Amsterdam, Vienna, NYC, Berlin, Houston & Glasgow to name a few. I may be considered a tourist in these places but I’m truly at home in their art galleries. I go because I love the idea of art, to see what I’ve never seen before. I like to go because of the atmosphere of being around art, “reading” the stories it tells, because of the admiration I feel, the lessons I learn about myself & the world. You don’t have to make your own art to appreciate it & you don’t have to know anything about it to have a personal response. There are no rules about how to view it however there should be rules about how to behave in these spaces so as not to irritate fellow spectators like me. Me specifically.

In the interest of fairness & (yes, alright) tolerance it occurs to me that perhaps many people have not been taught how to behave in art galleries. Without good models of behaviour, it is perhaps unreasonable to expect them to navigate the etiquette unaided.

With this in mind, I have created a helpful guide to several of my own DO NOTs of gallery attendance because then these people have no excuse:      

1) DO NOT use a camera. I once saw some of the finest Rembrandt etchings that exist being viewed through a lens. A woman walked around the room filming what was on the wall. She never looked up once. If you want to take a photo of an artwork, DO NOT. Buy a postcard. Postcards are great. DO NOT hold up a camera so that people behind can’t see lest you be exposed to the extremely loud tutting & exasperated sighs from said people. & it should be obvious that you DO NOT use flash photography but apparently it isn’t. You will richly deserve the telling off from gallery staff that inevitably ensues (& some people will laugh at you when it happens). Which brings me to…

2) DO NOT be an overly officious staff member. Being good at your job doesn’t extend to harassing people about the placement of their handbag about their person. If I’m allowed a handbag & it’s not going over some line that will set off an alarm, I’m not doing anything wrong. Showing me where to place my bag on my body does not make you efficient or an alpha male. It does make you a number of other things.

3) DO NOT show off. Whatever you think you know, someone will always know better. If they are within earshot, they will definitely be judging you. If they know their Jan Steen for instance, they will know you are incorrect in your loud assumption to your children that “they didn’t know how to paint babies’ faces yet” so gave them adult faces. Jan Steen was a genius of facial expression & could paint a portrait of your ma & you’d talk to it all day, believing it to be her. But he apparently liked painting weird, knowing-looking babies too. & it’s hilarious.

4) DO NOT run around. Again this should be obvious. In addition, DO NOT allow others in your company to run around, even if they are very small. This seems to be even less obvious.

5) DO NOT waste your time. If there’s a queue round the block waiting to get in half an hour before closing time, DO NOT stay in or, for that matter, get in the queue.

6) DO NOT stand in what you know perfectly well is a position that will not allow others to view the art. You people can be spotted a mile off. Everyone will hate you, even the tolerant people, a group that - it’s been firmly established - I am not a member of. DO NOT make it slightly more awkward by spreading your legs wider or swaying, pretending you’re oblivious. You’re not being clever or subtle. We all know what you’re up to.

7) DO NOT be an art snob. This isn’t quite the same as showing off, although you may be doing that too. An art snob might know quite a lot about art in fact but is openly, perhaps loudly critical about some styles, artists or pieces. This is tedious & to be perfectly frank, no-one cares what you think.

8) DO NOT attend a gallery wearing something to look cool or weird for effect. Please just DO NOT. I beg of you.

It doesn’t sound too hard does it?

Please feel free to add your own rules, with pinches of salt to taste.

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